Tuesday, June 17, 2014

New Blog Title?

I think I should change the name of my blog to something more fitting to how I feel lately.
Like for instance;
Adventures of Fat Girl
The Plump One
Living In the Fat Lane

I especially like that one, and it is mine, I am totally trademarking it right here right now.

I never set out to be a fat person.
I never looked at myself in the mirror and said, "You know what I need? A layer, or two, of insulation." Nope.

Some people need help with their eyesight, so they wear glasses.
Some people need help with hearing, so they have hearing aids.
And some people gain weight just thinking about ice cream, and they get fat.

I suppose that last line should say something inspirational, like "AND THEY WORK OUT MORE, AND EAT LESS THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON SO THEY CAN MAINTAIN AN AVERAGE WEIGHT."
But it doesn't.

God made some really amazing foods in the world. Seriously. And man made some pretty awful for your body chemicals and flavor enhancers and all sorts of other things that have led to problems. I was a perfect storm of too many antibiotics, artificial sweeteners, and other factors. Yep, a mess.

I have joined countless groups on both sides of the coin. Weight loss, and body acceptance. I am a walking confliction, which is a totally made up word by yours truly.I want to speak life into people beating themselves up about their bodies. I want to tell them how wonderful and beautiful they are! You were designed and lovingly created, and you are your worst enemy. Get over your {insert body part here} and live your life! And then I look into the mirror and that flapping skin on my upper arms and shout, "When the heck did that happen! " It's true, I yelled it in a thrift store dressing room this weekend on a trip with friends. So unimpressed with my upper arms right now.

SO this starts a new determination, start over, start fresh, you can get those pounds back off, you know how, you have the products/meal plan/know-how...YOU CAN DO THIS.
But then there is ice cream.
Thank you Lord for ice cream.

I also have a wedding to attend in 8 weeks. A big family wedding.
Because of recent weight gain (all my own fault) I don't have a thing to wear. You would think this is enough motivation too.
But then there is {insert yummy food here}.

There is also the total and complete lack of desire to work out currently. I KNOW! I know it would help me feel better. I know it would tone things up (are you listening upper arms!?) and burn calories. Those tricky little suckers that demand balance or else!

The last several month have contained some stressful things for me, that all showed up on my body. I feel like adding one more thing right now (weight loss) would send me over the crazy edge. But I also know that if I just keep trying and make better choices, the stress might stop showing up on my middle and things will improve.

What will I choose? I guess you will just have to wait and see.

Monday, June 16, 2014

10,000 Hours

 "They" say it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master something.
I don't know who "they" are, but it is a fair assessment.

My husband is truly gifted, a wonder, and has "mastered" several instruments and various musical abilities and styles. He knows he can be better, and is always looking for the time to put in even more work to be so.
Have you ever taken music lessons?  Do you remember what it took to plunk out Mary Had A Little Lamb? Did you stick with it, or quit? We all have gifts, and talents, and we all need t o make a living in this world too. My husband donates, yes, donates as in for free, HOURS of time to school projects, church projects/ministry, and discounts heavily while trying to help charities and other causes he believes in.
But we still have bills to pay and food to purchase.

Please consider the following. (Taken from FaceBook, original source unknown, sorry)
 We do not live a frivolous life. Our life may look different than yours, and certainly different than someone pulling 9-5 everyday. But we put in as many hours of work, if not more.
I am not trying to whine, or complain. This is just a reminder, it is more than just a couple hours at a gig.
It is dedication and hours in the making.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Hitting Your Knees Hurts Sometimes

 I was accused of not trusting someone recently.

I also accused an entirely different person(s) of not trusting me. 

I decided in light f these conversations that a word study was necessary.


: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

Full Definition of TRUST

a :  assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
b :  one in which confidence is placed
a :  dependence on something future or contingent :  hope
b :  reliance on future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered :  credit trust
a :  a property interest held by one person for the benefit of another
b :  a combination of firms or corporations formed by a legal agreement; especially :  one that reduces or threatens to reduce competition
archaic :  trustworthiness
a (1) :  a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship (2) :  something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another
b :  responsible charge or office
c :  care, custody trust
in trust
:  in the care or possession of a trustee
Considering the circumstances I still hold to the belief that the person(s) I spoke of , due to their choice of words and actions, in fact do not trust me.
As for the accusation that I do not trust someone else.
Interestingly enough I do trust them, a lot. I know their character, I know them.I do trust them, but apparently in something I spoke or my own actions they do not feel trusted.
Here in lies a big problem.
I know those other persons don't trust me, they said so. I would like to point out that without detail or gossip I unfortunately was deemed guilty by vague association quite some time ago regarding something. The relationship, although proven innocent, has never fully recovered. I , for a long time, tried to prove I was faithful to this person(s) and tried my best to be all they expected, and then I got tired, because nothing was ever enough, nothing was ever good enough. I was never false, I was never brown nosing, or kissing up...I hate that stuff. I was simple honest. Which should have been enough....Enough about that,
but someone I do trust says that I don't.
What am I doing wrong? 
This is serious.
The above may be the book definition, but it doesn't matter. The true definition lies within the person receiving the trust. 
What does trust look like to you?
This person would love it if I never asked , "why?" again.
Which is hard for my personality type.
I like explanation. 
There are other things, but lets just stop there.
This circles back to pride.
Did you see that coming?
  Why do I need to know the answer? Why do I need to need to know? To evaluate the situation and come up with my own conclusion? To have all the facts? To have a an answer that is fully suitable for the question or action requested?
Yes, yes and yes.
Why is it hard to simple complete a task or answer a question without this knowledge?
For one, I want clarity. Someone speaks, and if I hear the possibility of more than one interpretation then I want to know which they meant before proceeding. Many of you would agree this is good. 
What if the clarity is so you don't get it wrong? So you don't fail?
Still good? Or are we crossing over now....
This can be helped in speaking the same language as someone else, but not solved. Example:
I am thankful to understand and be between speaking styles in those personality tests, this means I have a easier time understanding more people. My husband and I for a time had the same boss in a way. They were not always stellar at understanding each other, but thankfully I could understand them both. This saved all of us trouble.
  Now was that statement pride or fact?
It was fact, that is what happened. I am thankful for the opportunity to help out in what could have been some sticky situations. If I wasn't there, or couldn't understand, life would have gone on, and eventually (hopefully) things would have worked out.
I struggle with this, clarity, because I see it as avoiding possible confusion and problems, when others see it (asking questions for clarity) as mis-trust.

But this person, who means a great deal to me, sees questioning as a lack of trust.

What does the Bible say?

Proverbs 3:4-7

New International Version (NIV)
Then you will win favor and a good name
    in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.[a]
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
    fear the Lord and shun evil.
Yes, this is about trusting God...but look at what it says is trusting Him...SUBMIT.
I know some of you shuddered right there.
 What is the worldly definition of submit:

a :  to yield to governance or authority
b :  to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation submitted
to analysis> 
a :  to yield oneself to the authority or will of another :  surrender
b :  to permit oneself to be subjected to something submit
to surgery>
:  to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another 
If you have a boss, and you want them to trust you...submit to their authority.
This doesn't mean being nothing and having no opinions or say. But it does mean that they have the final say, and to be cautious when giving ones opinion, or asking questions. 
Are they open to questions or opinions? No? Then leave it alone.

So again about pride.
If we feel we know better, or are right, or have a better solution, or a better way...pride.
If we are so convinced of all these things, how in the world can we submit?
Think this doesn't apply to friendships? Think again.
I am not suggesting that you submit to all a friend says or does, or to every friend you have. I am merely suggesting, to myself as well as the three of you that read this, that you pause, consider. Are you always the dominant, the right, to one who knows? I am learning this right along with you.
What does love look like to that friend?
Is it time? Gifts? Listening to them? 
What does trust look like?
Is it not questioning or giving an opinion every time? Is it just saying "okay"? 
If you really trust them then what is the harm. If you don't trust them evaluate why? Some people can not be trusted, I get it. This discussion started because someone I do trust thinks that I don't, and I need to change so that can change.

Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. 
Proverbs 13:10
Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.
Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.


Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Whilst Waiting

It's funny, we have an entire list of things that will happen as soon as our tax return arrives.
Go to the dentist, pay of a personal debt, get the car fixed...and buy some unmentionables...things like that.
Along with this usual list is get fingerprints taken.
I need a new business license for my county and this is on the list of requirements for my specific line of work. But it is on that list. And things are on hold until that is completed. I can't set up my practice until those items are checked off.
Waiting is hard.

Biblically speaking we are ridiculously demanding people with an instant gratification problem.
How long did Abraham wait for a son? He was really old.
How long did the people of God wait in the desert, although be it their own fault? 40 years?
That's a long time.

I have a lot of ducks lined up waiting...WHEN we get this refund, THEN this and that will happen, and then WHEN my daughter moves back out this summer and I can have that room back THEN this and that will happen.
It isn't like we don't have a busy schedule or a lot of spare time simply because I am waiting for these things to happen...just my practice is on hold, which means my income is on hold which feels like...

A life on hold.

That's okay.
I can work on other stuff in the mean time, like self control.

Monday, June 2, 2014

In Light Of Recent Events

It is hard to take a good long long look at yourself, isn't it?
You may look in the mirror and tear yourself apart for the tiniest of things. Things no one else truly notices but you. You may also have a hard time hearing truth about yourself, looking inside. I know I do.
It just shows me one more way I have failed.
Utterly and completely failed once again to be perfect.

Oh perfection, you may deny you try for it, but how are you really when something "goes wrong"? Can you embrace it as a learning experience? Do you relish the chance to learn and grow? Or perhaps you slough it off and move on? No? Maybe you get mad at yourself or others, or beat yourself up for not getting it right....sound familiar?
I have been told it is a matter of pride.
Yes, pride.
I wonder about that. I can see when you are upset something isn't the way you want it, that's pride. I can see it when you want things done your way, that is clearly pride, but when you failed once more? It doesn't feel like pride, it seems like a big ol reminder of what I am not. A nice slap in the face ...oh wait, that is pride. Expecting to be better than human...expecting to be like our creator, perfect.

That hurts.

It isn't the kind of pride that prances around with ones nose in the air making sure the "little people" know you are amazing...nope. It is subtle and sneaky, and whispers lies into your ears that you deserve things to be right, and your way, and the way you expected and "perfect".

Yep. I have a lot of work to do. Somewhere between I am nothing, a worthless scrap of a person and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me is the truth.

Have you ever read that whole verse?

Philippians 4:12-14

New International Version (NIV)
12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
14 Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.

So, it isn't about simply getting things done because we have Christ and His strength, it is about being content not matter the situation or circumstances. 
It isn't about the American dream or prosperity.
It isn't about being perfect.

It is about being content.
So this or that didn't work out, and this or that failed.
That's okay...because all things work together for good.
Have you read that entire verse in context?

Romans 8:27-29

New International Version (NIV)
27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

So I must ask myself, did I seek Him in this or that? What was the purpose? Was I serving Him or serving self? Was I listening? Obeying? Doing the will of the Father or just doing my own thing and expecting blessing. Oh, that is surely pride right there.  

All this to say that I am on a journey to get rid of pride.
It is ugly and a destroyer, and while I do live in grace and mercy from the Father, I would like to continue to go for the fruit of the Spirit instead...

Galatians 5:19-24

New International Version (NIV)
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 
Self control is on the table too currently.
More on that another day.